Week fourteen - Wednesday

Today I set out on a new route which I had hoped would take about 1.75 hours. It started out on a route I know well and progressed to some unknown territory. Unfortunately it was not an enjoyable experience. I struggled from the word go yet again and found the whole thing really hard. I kept having to take mini breaks and generally found my legs to be leaden which only made my mind more and more negative. The route was very hilly, the weather was extremely hot and it was fairly windy – not three of my favourite things by a long shot. I struggled up several hills before reaching the halfway point where I stopped for coffee and a flapjack. At this point I had a serious think about what the issue was. Other than the physical conditions (hills, weather etc) I have come to realise that a huge amount of my ability to cycle is actually in my head. On Friday I took Ellie to school in my bike gear which was obviously commented on by my friends. The thrill of essentially ‘showing off’ that I was about pop out and ride 50 miles encouraged me on my journey. I was excited by the challenge and in a fantastic mood. The ride went great and I loved it. Since then, however, I have been riding because I have to and it has not gone well. Even today’s ride, which should have been a good one, saw me setting off in a relatively grumpy mood and what happened? Yup, crappy ride. Don’t get me wrong. I managed all the hills and after my coffee and cake I even did quite well on some of them. In addition the time I managed (12.1mph average) wasn’t actually as bad as I had feared, also at the very end of the ride I set my best time on a segment I do very regularly. So what is my issue? Why does my frame of mind reflect so negatively in my cycling? There is a school of thought that says it’s not really worth dwelling on. I will be nervous on the big day but there will be 23,999 other cyclists to help get me through it. I can’t see how it will be possible to be in a bad mood, or not feeling like riding my bike on a day like that, but this doesn’t help my training. Having bad training sessions is a vicious circle too. Yesterday’s bad training session does not make me want to perform better next time – it makes me want to curl up in a ball, eat chocolate and never get on a bike again. Bunking off training makes me feel guilty and makes me resent having to do it, which puts me in a bad mood which means, you’ve guessed it, crappy training sessions. In a way I think I am suffering from a lack of confidence. There’s a massive part of me that doesn’t feel capable of riding 100 miles and that brings me down. I see the serious cyclists whizzing by me and I feel like I am not, and never will be that good. I don’t know what I can do about that though. I know deep inside that I am good enough and that I can do it. I’ve seen pictures online of girls that completed the sportive last year and they don’t look any more like serious cyclists than I do. I have, to a greater or lesser extent, done the training and I will continue to do so right up to the last day so why wouldn’t I be able to manage? The best way forward for me is probably to feel more in control. Consequently I am going to redraw the training plan for the last 2 weeks so that it looks like what I will be doing (yet again I cannot follow it exactly due to personal circumstances). That way I will not have the horrible ‘I’m not doing what I’m meant to’ feeling. Also, from Monday, I will be eating like an athlete. No booze, healthy meals and all planned out on paper. I believe that by regaining a feeling of control I will be able to feel better about myself and improve.